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At the beginning of 2010, I was determined to get out of New York City by some means and for any length of time. People may be surprised how a person could get sick of this place. There is so much beauty and many wonderful places to explore in NYC, but it can get so congested and tiring. I’m used to the fast-pace environment. I walk fast just like my father. I usually go straight from point A to point B. I get to my destination and rarely observe what’s around me. After living here for so long, there’s not much to observe anymore that’s unusual. I wanted a fresh new place to wander around.
I went to visit Jaddy for a weekend in late April. The ride there wasn’t fun; almost traumatizing. Besides that, the visit was fantastic. Every thing is preserved and cherished. Everyone is polite. Even the guys that hit onto you! It’s so gorgeous and quiet there. This one man told us his family has been in Salem for generations and were Quakers. Of course, I bought a ton of souvenirs from his shop. There was an enthusiasm in people that I haven’t really seen in New Yorkers for a long time besides from tourists. It takes tragedy or a World Series to get them going. Even I take the city for granted at times.
When I returned home, there was an ache inside me that I didn’t understand at first. I sat in the tub thinking. I really missed Jaddy, her family, and Salem. I was so content and comfortable there. It was like a whole weight was lifted from me during that weekend. Every single sight got me excited and wishing I could share the experience with someone. I kept thinking, “I wish they were here to see this.” Perhaps the easygoing atmosphere, less people to bump into, and no tall buildings to clutter my presence just happened to put me at ease.
Jaddy explained that though people typically think of tragedy when they hear “Salem”, the word actually means peace. And that was exactly what I felt there. Suppose that’s just part of visiting a new place on vacation — every other place is fascinating… but I adore that town. Even though bars close at 12:30… I could work with that. Hanging out until 4, 5, 6 in the morning is getting tired. It’s fun times and awesome memories, but I’d prefer a less predictable routine. New York City never sleeps, and Las Vegas, of course. But goodness, I want to sleep. I want to lay back and enjoy the sights. I want less people, too. I want to go somewhere without the fear of being mobbed or accidentally sharing DNA with someone. Plus, if there was a zombie takeover, less people would increase my chances for survival.
I guess this is partly why I’ve always longed to go to California. But Salem is a great as well. I know if I ever moved away, I would miss my loved ones and the city-life… The convenience that is public transportation, Times Square, the Village, familiar neighborhoods, memories, family, friends… it goes on. But a girl’s gotta explore a bit, don’t cha think?
I didn’t forgot on Friday. On April 2nd, Blessed-Beauty.net made four years. It’s been lovely meeting new people, making friends, and continuing to explore the world of graphic and web design. I would have never imagined of creating half of the projects that I’ve done back when I began using Angelfire and Geocities as a teenager. The other day, I decided to check on some old accounts and I realized Yahoo! eternally closed their Geocities services. While on FreeWebs, I found old HTML files containing blog entries from 2005. A part of me felt surprised at how much passion I had for certain people / situations of that time.
Speaking of old journal entires, I found my journal for the acting course I took last spring. While reading the passages, I realized I actually was as passionate about acting as Jaddy described. Initially, I didn’t realize what passion was. I couldn’t put it into words. I couldn’t conceive what it meant and consisted of. It was one of those things that seemed too outside of me and foreign. All that time, I had it. All that frustration, excitement, anxiety, fear, and ambition derived from how passionate I was about understanding my character and scene, and desire to improve through each attempt. I wrote some eye-opening stuff. Everything seemed so scary for me, yet I made it through so well without giving myself enough credit.
I’ve done some research on professional photographers that I would like to approach to do headshots. I want to start auditioning in the city for small roles and just explore it. We owe it to ourselves to try things out, right? It could be tons of fun and a great learning experience. I really just want to continue absorbing as much as I can this year.
Also, today is my 24th birthday! Time to update the Facts page, eh? Ha. I’m having a get together at my place for a huge dinner. I can’t wait! I was inspired by my nephew’s 1st birthday party from a few weeks ago. I have so many nieces and nephews. Sometimes being around them makes me maternal; out of my siblings and I, I’m the only one without children. My mom and dad have joked around about that — “You dad needs some grandchildren”. Anyway, at the party, my sister-in-law and her friend cooked a great dinner. It was delicious. I loved it so much that I decided to try it out for my birthday. There’s nothing more awesome than having a really good meal with family and close friends. I love feeding people after all. And this book I bought at the thrift store for only $9 has me excited. It’s 1000 of the best recipes. I’m buying the ingredients and preparing it in a few days.
I think as you get older, you get simpler. I thought about going to the city, but I’d rather stay near home. The whole running around with a huge group of people is rather much. I want things to be convenient for all of us and regardless, we’ll enjoy our time out. That’s what matters most. I’ve been running around the city for the past week with friends anyway. I’ve pretty much celebrated my birthday for days, and more days to come!
Five more minutes left. A whole year of 24. Think of your age. All of those amazing, terrible, and boring memories. Ha. Life is a great blessing. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend and Easter holiday!
A few friends and I went to a concert at Gramercy Theatre last night. Definitely worth it. I became a fanatic over Karnivool and their most recent album, Sound Awake. After sharing a few tunes, Paul, Alfredo, and Alphonso came to the concert with me.
First was a band called Something to Burn, which were surprisingly great. The lead singer has an awesome voice and their sound is pretty energetic. Good stuff. I still haven’t figured out titles, but I will soon enough.
Fair to Midland and Karnivool were both headlining. While waiting outside to enter the theatre, Fair to Midland’s manager came around with a cup of ice cream to chat with fans. He was curious to see which band everyone was particularly there for. He explained to us that the members of FTM and Karnivool share the spotlight and alternate dates to headline. We found that really respectable.
We headed inside to the lounge area, got a few drinks, and noticed members around talking and hanging about. Everyone was really nice and ready to have a good time. I bought Karnivool’s first album, but didn’t have a pen for any of them to sign. Why didn’t I think of that?!
After getting into the theater, we found a few seats on the balcony to relax and talk until the show started. Wasn’t crowded, but wasn’t empty either. Everyone went nuts for Karnivool, and after they played their set, we were amazed. They are awesome on CD, but so amazing live. I couldn’t believe how perfect their performance. It all overwhelms you. Their music is best experienced live.
We weren’t too nuts about Fair to Midland. I’m still unsure why. Maybe it was just too much. I couldn’t really distinguish songs. Then again, I didn’t know any of their songs. The singer had good range, but somewhat over the top. The music was thumping in my ears and I ended up in a strange trance. Alfredo tried pointing out how the person sitting in front of him had a TOOL shirt on that had a picture of a… urm… tool… ya know what I mean. I couldn’t even laugh; it barely registered. I was too into FTM and lost!
Once the show ended, we went back into the lounge area since I wanted an autograph or picture if possible. Some girl was rambling to Ian about how his voice reminds her of such-and-such, so once we was out of the way, Alphonso and I approached him for a photo opt. My camera was busted (I seriously need a new one), but my iPhone came in handy. I guess I don’t hate the iPhone after all.
After that quest, we continued our little adventure to a nice spot called The Stumble Inn. Ordered some Buffalo wing nachos, quesadillas, Idaho french fries, and a few more drinks. Paul and I couldn’t resist. Perhaps I’m a bad influence. But c’mon, bubblegum flavored Vodka… you’d want more, too.
I recorded most of the set, but for sound purposes since I got tired of holding up the camera. I’ll post up the videos/MP3s a little later. It’s beautiful outside and I really want to enjoy the weather. You know for the first time in a really long time, I’ll have great weather on my birthday? Thank goodness.
“You’re more social than ever right now, and should find it easier than ever to get to know people from pretty much any background. Most people are attracted to your amazing energy!”
–Horoscope via Facebook
I have trouble with procrastination and I get distracted very easily. It seems as though it’s time I learn some time management skills.
Facebook, YouTube, Googling random trivia, XBOX, Netflix, Forums, AIM (and all sorts like it) must be cut off from my life. Seriously. I never knew how distracting the Internet can be. It’s your friend and enemy all in one. One day while “doing homework”, I saw a video on YouTube by a pretty cool chick (Krissie Speaks) who shares her opinions on random topics and answers questions. I’ve been a subscriber of hers for a few years now. I saw one video where she talked about procrastination and making small changes shortly after experiencing an emotional breakdown. Now, I haven’t had a breakdown, but I’m surprised after these past several months that I haven’t had my own academic meltdown. Still, I can identify with what she was saying.
Another video (by Antishay) made a lot of sense about letting go responsibilities that no longer seem relevant or necessary, but I find myself not being able to let go of much. I was close to that state of mind Antishay was expressing after reading The Power of Now, but it seems like life’s complications and obligations have caught up and controlled my life. Last semester I struggled, but did wonderfully. Now I’m slipping. It’s not even the amount of work I have to do, it’s how I fail to manage through it efficiently. I need to focus. Even right now as I’m writing this, I should be writing an assignment or reading. I’ll get through this semester, but my goodness, I need a major To Do List and stick with it.
I have to improve my schoolwork habit and learn to focus. No social life, here I come.
I either dig you at lot or not at all. He just went from one end to the other.
Last night I was reflecting on this one fellow I recently stopped speaking to and this song came to mind. He was nice and all, even had a stamp of approval by a few friends. Eventually I noticed how incredibly fussy he could be. If there was something he didn’t like, his shutdown sequence initiated. Double You Tea F?!
The first time I tried making things right. That took two weeks. Yeah… exactly. It’s pretty unfair to throw someone to the side when they’re attempting to resolve the situation. The second time was a complete turn off. As usual, I figured he was busy, because I get busy during the week and enjoy my independence. Then I realized he was just being shady. I really think this dude got so upset by his own far out assumptions, ’cause I sure as hell didn’t do a thing wrong. I’m tired of playing peacemaker here.
It finally hit me: if he really did like me, he would put in the effort. So, by the lack of evidence, I dropped his case a lot easier than my first attempt.
The sudden simplicity made me start reflecting, “Maybe I didn’t like him as much as I thought I did.” I was really digging him until I realized he represented an idea. And I liked that idea more than I liked him as a person — bad habit of mine. He had his good qualities, but overtime it became all too complicated. Our temperaments are practically opposite, which was refreshing… for awhile. I found myself frustrated half the time just trying to communicate. I was trying so hard to make him the guy I was hoping for rather than just looking at the facts and moving on.
Hey, at least I tried. There are a lot of cold-blooded chicks out there that don’t give a crap. They’d expect your heart surrounded with diamonds by the third date. Perhaps he’s a man of few words. But c’mon, seriously? I just can’t deal with people who are incapable of communicating their thoughts/feelings. We’re adults now.
I’m the girl hanging out with the guys. I need some estrogen in my life. Not “like, let’s totally shop, like, til we drop” type of girlship (yeah, I just made up a phrase). Just true, comfortable, poking fun, inspiring, shoulder to cry on, healthy friendship with a fellow female. There are very few girls I really bond with on a level deeper than taking Jäger shots or the occasional hello. Lately I’ve looked around and I see two girls I connect with. One is in another state, while another is currently in another country.
I remember when I had really close girlfriends. We’d see each other every day. Finish each other’s sentences. Laugh at the stupidest things. But that was at a simpler time when all that mattered was Backstreet Boys and doing vocabulary homework. Personalities get so complicated over time. Deep relationships and friendships become harder to find and build. The friendships you’ve once had as kids may not survive as adults. The things that once bound a friendship don’t always hold. Sometimes people change. Sometimes people don’tchange.
A few weeks ago, I was asked, “So where do we stand?” I wasn’t prepared to answer that question. My heart was fed up with the constant conspiracy theories, while my mind didn’t want to make things worse. I simply said, “I have no idea.” At the time it seemed neutral enough, but before I had a moment to explain, the friendship was declared over.
I’m still frustrated at how they handled the conversation. I was “wrong” from the get-go despite my valid points and honesty. The reality was, they had no reason to be upset about the situation at hand. While I may have been fed up, I didn’t give up quite as easily as they did. The abrupt cold shoulder only made me realize that perhaps I didn’t really matter to them.
I don’t find myself grieving. I feel relieved. No more walking on egg shells. No more censoring myself. I’ve always believed you’re supposed to feel at your best around good friends, even when you’ve made a mess. You’re supposed to feel comfortable being yourself, not worried about how they’re perceiving you. My discomfort in certain friendships have caused me to shy away; even end a few. It’s not that a person isn’t good, just maybe not the right fit. It’s only natural and there’s nothing wrong about that. It’s life.
I’ve always had confidence in my bond with Jaddy. She’s miles away and though we don’t talk every minute, I know she thinks of me as much as I think of her. We don’t have to prove our friendship through constant calls, photos on Facebook, or statuses declaring we’re BFFs. The love is there and always will be. I remember once a friend and I tried to bond with another, but it backfired because we went about it all wrong. Another friendship with two girls slowly faded. I didn’t fit, though I tried. Good friendships aren’t forced. And they’re 50/50. If the effort isn’t there, why bother? I don’t seek those who don’t seek me.
I can be such a loner though. I was the only child in the household, so I’m conditioned to being alone. To my cousin’s revelation, I “value” my privacy. What I wanted to explain (Cut The Cord, Part Deux, in due time) is that I don’t seek people out every day. I’ve never been that way. I need my space or else I feel incredibly suffocated and shelter myself. Most of the time, I get caught up in my daydreams, creations, or just life in general that it doesn’t occur to me who I haven’t contacted. I don’t have a list. I don’t believe a person has to call/text/e-mail/IM someone every day for reassurance. If there’s doubt in the friendship, there’s a problem. Friendships gone bad are like foods gone bad: when in doubt, throw it out.
Despite the lack of girlship in my life, I’m optimistic. Everything happens for a reason. I doubted that for awhile, but times seem to prove it quite accurate. The relationships that don’t fit somehow reveal themselves and, in time, sort out. All good things actually do come in time. I have a good feeling …
Happy | Listening to 
Chipper | Listening to 
Conflicted | Listening to 
Whatever | Listening to